Men Jokes


Funny men Jokes

Boy prayed: Oh God gve me 1bag full of money,job,1big vehicle&many girls!
GOD: Ur wish is fulfilled.(Prayer acpted)
He became a CONDUCTOR in LADIES BUS.

Funny men Jokes

Friend 1 : What are you doing bro??
Friend 2 : Just finished Dinner with wife... and now holding Scotch...
Friend 1 : wow which... Black Label or Red Label???
Friend 2 : "Scotch Brite" re melya ..bhaandi ghastoy

Funny men Jokes

The temple Poojari came very close to me & asked: "Got Rum!!?"
I replied: "Yes, OLD MONK.."
The Poojari became angry & I was thrown out of the temple..
Later I realised, he was asking about my "GOTRAM".

Funny men Jokes

Total Disaster !
Two friends were walking but suddenly they stopped.
1St : Oh my god !! my girl friend & my wife r coming together...!!!
2nd : Damn Mine too...!!

Funny men Jokes

Que: If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?
Ans: Who Cares, just Enjoy that Day..

Funny men Jokes

Que: How to save a Dying Woman?
Ans: Tell her about a 90% Sale going on somewhere..

Funny men Jokes

Que: Why can't Women stand a day in a Jungle?
Ans: There are no Shopping Centers.

Funny men Jokes

Que: Why can't Women Drive well?
Ans: Because there are so many mirrors in a car to distract them..

Funny men Jokes

Que : You know why women love shoes?
Ans: Because no matter how much & whatever they eat , the shoes always fit..

Funny men Jokes

Whisky is a brilliant invention.
One double and you start feeling single again.

Funny men Jokes

After completing B.Tech a student took his girlfriend to his home Father: who is she ? Son: "Campus Selection"

Funny men Jokes

Smart Kid Son: Daddy, i got punished in school today Dad: Why? Son: My Teacher pointed out the scale towards to me saying "at the end of the scale there is an idiot" i just asked which end?

Funny men Jokes

21st June.....India declares International yoga day.
22nd June....millions of people who did yoga on 21st June wake up with severe body aches and pain.
23rd June....Thailand declares International Massage Day.

Men  jokes

A man asked to bank manager : i would like to open a join account please
Bank Manager: Ok,with whom?
Man: Whoever has lots of money
Manager:?????

Men  jokes

An Indian living in the USA Posted: "When I came to America Homosexuality is a crime, Later it became acceptable. Now it's legal. I better to leave America before it becomes compulsory."

Men  jokes

3 guys drunk enterd taxi,
"The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine Á turned it off again. He told them we have reached"
The 1st guy gave him money & 2nd guy said thank you, 3rd guy gave a driver slap.
The driver shocked thinking the 3rd guy knew what he did. But he asked what that for?
The 3rd guy replied: "Control your speed next time you nearly killed us!"

Men  jokes

Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt : "Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very Disturbed"

Men  jokes

What is the Diff b/w Young Age & Old Age?
In Young Age: Phone Is Full Of Darlings Numbers.
In Old Age : Its Full of Doctors Numbers.

Men  jokes

Nike was founded by a Man, so its tagline says
"Just do it!"
If "Nike" had been founded by a Woman, its tagline would have been:
"Just do it...if you want to... I don't want to force you... It's your life... anyway you don't listen to me.. Do What You Want To Do... Who am I to say anything!!"

Men  jokes

Grandfather: There was once a time when I used to go with 2 Rupees in my pocket and I would come home with all groceries, bread, butter, milk, biscuits, newspaper etc...

Grandson: it's not possible to do so these days Grandpa... They've put CCTV everywhere

Men  jokes

If a man is allowed to select a girl from 100 girls,
and even if he picks the most beautiful girl,
.
.
he still FEELS the PAIN of losing the remaining NINETY NINE...
.
.
.
and Women say... men don't have FEELINGS..

Men  jokes

Men are very Kind and Women are very Selfish!
Want Proof ??
?
?
Most women don't like to help unknown men;
But
All men are ready anytime to help unknown women...

Men  jokes

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:"Tell me what happened to your back...?"

The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open.

I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone.

As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself.

I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him.

It was very heavy...

That is how I strained my back.!"

Later that day, a second patient arrives as if he has been in a car wreck.

The doctor said: "My previous patient looked bad..

But you look terrible..

What the hell happened to you ?"

He replied: "You know I have been unemployed for a while now.

Today was the first day at my new job...

I forgot to set my alarm and I was late...

I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time.

And you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge.

I don't know how and where from this fridge fell on me...!!!"

Before closing hours, the third patient comes. He looks like he was punished in hell.

The doctor is shocked.

He asks: "What the hell happened to you..??"

The patient replies:

"Well, It started like this, I was in a fridge.........."

Men  jokes

If ur wife starts looking beautiful, sexy and innocent in the 1st peg itself, than u r checking some one else's wallet.

Men  jokes

Daru testing formula

Drink 1st peg and check the photo of ur wife in ur wallet
Drink 2nd peg and do the same thing
Drink 3rd peg and recheck
Drink 4th peg and recheck.
If ur wife starts looking beautiful, innocent & attractive, stop it there and there itself.
These are indications that u hve consumed alchohol more than ur normal capacity and its time to go home.

Men  jokes

At last a Husband has taken the time to write down this all finally.
We always hear "the rules" from the Wife's side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note..these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Husbands ARE not mind readers.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible , Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cars, bikes or games
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. U r in shape..... Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Men  jokes

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME! OPEN TO MEN ONLY!
Evening classes for men. Starting this month!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

  • Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.
  • Topic 2. Toilet paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.
  • Topic 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
  • Topic 4. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming... Open forum.
  • Topic 5. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.
  • Topic 6. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
  • Topic 7. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
  • Topic 8. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.
  • Topic 9. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
  • Topic 10. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions.
  • Men  jokes

    Pappu: Dad, l got selected for a role in a play for annual day!
    Dad: What role are you playing?
    Pappu: A husband!
    Dad: Stupid, ask for a role with dialogues!

    Men  jokes

    Man outside phone booth: "Excuse me you are holding phone since 29 minutes and you haven‘t spoken a word".
    Man inside: "I am talking to my wife"

    Men  jokes

    Generally a man does not go to the place again where he has been cheated once…
    But many people still go to their in-laws place..????

    Men  jokes

    There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
    Some remain single and make wonders happen.
    Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
    Rest get married and wonder what happened....

    Men  jokes

    Whisky is a brilliant invention.
    One double and you start feeling single again.

    Men  jokes

    Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
    It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

    Men  jokes

    No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
    (1) Mobile
    (2) Automobile
    (3) TV
    (4) Wife
    Because, there is always a better model in neighborhood

    Men  jokes

    First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
    Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

    Men  jokes

    A young son asked,
    "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
    a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
    Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

    Men  jokes

    A little boy asked his father,
    "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
    Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

    Men  jokes

    You have two choices in life:
    You can stay single and be miserable,
    or get married and wish you were dead.

    Men  jokes

    Biscuit maker writes a love letter to his girlfriend.
    " Dear MARIE,
    Yesterday was a GOOD DAY.
    Our meeting was TRULY NICE.
    But the chance of success of our love is 50- 50.
    Because your father is TIGER.
    Will you give your LITTLE HEART to me. .......".
    Girl replies
    Poda KRACK JACK

    Men  jokes

    HAPPINESS
    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

    Men  jokes

    LONGEVITY
    Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

    Men  jokes

    WIFE TO DRUNK HUSBAND:: From now on, if your lips touch liquor you will never touch my lips.
    HUSBAND:: Awwwwww??
    WIFE:: Now what are you thinking ??
    HUSBAND:: Deciding......
    WIFE:: Deciding what ??
    18 yrs old SCOTCH
    OR
    40 yrs old LIPS

    Men  jokes

    Men will always be Men -
    Once a group of men decided to go for Tirth Yatra. Their guide explained to them that they might see some ladies bathing in open and they should not get distracted at all. When they see anything like that, they should just say HARI OM and move on. Next day they started the yatra and one of the men in the group said- "HARI OM" and rest of them said- "WHERE WHERE!"

    Men  jokes

    If Tequila, Vodka, Whiskey, Gin, Rum,
    are called Spirits..
    I am very Spiritual..!!

    Men  jokes

    Scientists have found ice and water On moon
    We just need to carry whisky and chips with us.
    Can't depend on Scientists for everything !!!!

    Men  jokes


    MEN

    1. Don't imagine you can change a man --
    unless he's in diapers.

    Men  jokes one liners

    2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
    You shut the door.

    Men  jokes one liners

    3. If they put a man on the moon -
    they should be able to put them all up there

    Men  jokes one liners

    4. Never let your man's mind wander --
    it's too little to be out alone.



    Men  jokes one liners

    5. Go for the younger man.
    You might as well, they never mature anyway.

    Men  jokes one liners

    6. Men are all the same --
    they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

    Men  jokes one liners

    7. Definition of a bachelor:
    a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

    Men  jokes one liners

    8. Women don't make fools of men --
    most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

    Men  jokes one liners

    9. Best way to get a man to do something is
    to suggest he is too old for it.

    Men  jokes one liners

    10. Love is blind,
    but marriage is a real eye-opener.

    11. If you want a committed man,
    look in a mental hospital.

    Men  jokes one liners

    12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
    Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

    Men  jokes one liners

    13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in,
    tell him checkbooks.

    Men  jokes one liners

    14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes,
    it means that you laugh at his.

    Men  jokes one liners

    15. Sadly, all men are created equal.



    MEN Jokes in Hindi

    Daru ki vajah se barbad sharabi ne kasam li.
    Aur ghar se daru ki khali bottles fekne laga.
    1st fek ke bola : Teri vajah se Meri Naukri gayi.
    2nd fekte hue bola : Teri vajah se Mera Ghar bika. 3rd fekte hue bola : Teri vajah se Meri Biwi Ghar chhodkar chali gayi.
    4th Uthai, To wo bhari hui nikli.. Sharabi bola : Tu side mein ho ja, Isme tera koi kasur nahin hai..!!!
    Men  jokes one liners