What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Why are lawyers so good at racketball?
Because they stoop so low.
Why do lawyers get paid so much?
I'll tell you as soon as I finish billing you for the punch line.
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?
Because deep down, they are really good guys.
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"
S Vaiddyanathan/chandran
A group of dinner guests were blaming all of America's troubles on lawyers when a woman said,
"They aren't all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1000."
"I don't believe it," the host responded."It's true, I swear it," said the woman.
"I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer's fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000.
When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference."
S Vaiddyanathan/chandran
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW,, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. when the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was coplaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
Officer, look what they've done to my beeeemer! he whined
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" resorted the officer. You're so worried about your stupid BMW you didnt even notice your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god!" screamed the lawyer, noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex?!"
The lawyesr's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with hounours and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father office, and said, "Father, father, in one day i cracked the accident case that you have been working on for ten years!"
His father screamed: "You idiot! We could have lived on the funding of that case for another ten years!"
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No?
Good!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:
"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. --- $50.00."
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
“You’re a cheat!” shouted the client to his lawyer. “You’re a scoundrel! You’ve kept me hanging for months and got rich on my case alone!”
“That’s gratitude,” said the offended lawyer. “And right after I named my new yacht after you.”
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