Husband Wife Jokes


Husband and wife are the base of every family and are also usually the butt of a wide range of jokes and oneliners. Marriage is a serious responsibility that is perhaps made light with these jokes. It is usually good humoured barbs directed towards either of them, which they generally laugh off.
Husband and Wife jokes

Mechanical Tip of the day!
The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is...
.
.
.
.
Jusr open the door and tell her to take Ola Cab back home!!!

Husband and Wife jokes

A ma goes down on his knees and proposes to her..
Marry Me... and Make me the Happiest Man in the World
Looking bewildered she replied
.
.
.
.
You want Both !!!??

Husband and Wife jokes

While getting married, most of the guys say to girl's parents dat, "Mai aapki beti ko shaadi ke baad bohot khush rakhunga"
Have you ever heard a girl saying something like this to the boy's parents....??????
No..... because women don't lie

Husband and Wife jokes

There are two types of wives.
First Type: Quiet, Beautiful, Understanding, Not Argumentative, Loving, One who listens to husband
Second Type: Your own wife

Husband and Wife jokes

Ravana was furious with all the people ganging up to burn him. He shouted at all of them "what harm did I do to any of you? I didn't kidnap your wife "
The angry crowd responded "that's what we are burning you for, you evil guy. "

Husband and Wife jokes

Husband: I need space...
Wife: Join NASA..

Husband and Wife jokes

A controversial & debatable ...question


Today if Ravan took your wife away ..... would you still consider him evil ......

Husband and Wife jokes

Doc to lady: Any history of insanity in the family ? Lady: Yes... My husband thinks he is the Boss of the house!!!

Husband and Wife jokes

Wife: I have changed my mind
Husband: Is it working now?

Husband and Wife jokes

Maximum wives hate their husband's friends...!!!
Maximum husbands love their wife's friends...!!!
.....Men are generally nice.....

Husband and Wife jokes

Wife is angry 😡as hubby stands too close to a beautiful girl in bus, a few seconds later the girl slaps him for pinching.
Hubby to wife: I swear I didn't .
Wife: I know, I did it..

Husband and Wife jokes

Height of misunderstanding:
A man married his own secretary thinking that she will still follow his orders as before !!

Husband and Wife jokes

Technical Difference

What is the difference between welding and wedding
In welding there are sparks first and bonding forever, , whereas in wedding there is bonding first and sparks forever

Husband and Wife jokes

Difference between "Facebook" and "Whatsapp" conversation :
On "Whatsapp" -
Wife : Kab se wait kar rahi hoon. Ghar kab aa rahe ho, Loafer?
Husband : Abhi kuchh pataa nahi. Dimaag mat chaato. Jab dekho pareshaan karti rehti ho.
On "FaceBook" -
Wife : Dear when will you be back? You are the best husband in the world. Miss you. Come back soon.
(Status liked by 50 of her friends)
Husband : Thanks for being there always. So lucky to have a wonderful wife like you. Will be back soon honey. (Status liked by 75 friends,
including sister-in-law & mother-in-law) Dow din se mera Kya hoga?

Husband and Wife jokes

Wife: Today, I want to relax, So I have brought three movie tickets.
Husband: why three tickets?
Wife: you and your parents.

Husband and Wife jokes

Husband & Wife dono market gaye to Ek Ladki ne HELLO kiya..
Wife:"kaun thi wo ??
Husband:"Tum plz dimag kharab mat karo,.. . abhi usko bhi batana hai ki tum kaun ho..!!

Husband and Wife jokes

WHO'S GUILTY ! Husband and wife are sleeping..
Wife dreaming... and she suddenly shouts "Quick, my husband is back"... Husband gets up in lightning speed & jumps out of the window.

Husband and Wife jokes

New in the market
Wife : Chalo na aaj Sunday hai. Bahar chalte hai Aur drive mai karungi
Husband Wow! Matlab, jayenge car me aur aaynge Kal k Akhbaar me.

Husband and Wife jokes

Wife : "Naari" Ka Matlab Kya Hai?
Husband : Naari Ka Matlab Hai Shakti.
Wife : To Phir Purush Ka Matlab Kya Hai?
Husband : 'Sahan Shakti'

Husband and Wife jokes

Heated gold is called ornaments
Beated copper is called wire
Compressed carbon is called diamond.
Heated,beated and compressed human is called HUSBAND

Husband and Wife jokes

Husband: Have you heard of King Akbar?
Wife: Yes, what about him?
Husband: He had three wives.
Wife: So??
Husband: That means I can marry two more times?
Wife: Have you heard of Draupadi !!!???
Husband: I was just kidding dear!!!! You take things too seriously!!!!

Husband and Wife jokes

Wife: Dear..do you remember what saree I was wearing when u came to see me...for the first time.
Husband: No..I don't remember.
Wife: see..u don't love me at all.
Husband: its not like that honey.. A person going to keep his head on the railway track will not be checking whether it is shatabdi express or Rajadhani.

Husband and Wife jokes

Best one line ad by a married man on OLX:
"For Sale – Wedding Suit, used only once by Mistake……"

Husband and Wife jokes

Man outside phone booth: "Excuse me you are holding phone since 29 minutes and you haven't spoken a word".
Man inside: "I am talking to my wife"

Husband and Wife jokes

Wife joins english speaking class. After few days.
Wife : Welcome home darling.
Husband : I m so tired today.
Wife : Ok. Rest in Peace.

Husband and Wife jokes

A woman sued a reputed Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in her.
A hospital spokesman replied: "He was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was just correct his eyesight."

Husband and Wife jokes

Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

Husband and Wife jokes

It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most and when a man does that.
The slide show begins.

Funny Teacher Student Jokes

Husband: I found Aladin's lamp today.
Wife: wow, what did u ask for darling??
Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times..
Wife: oh..jaan..luv u so much.. Did he do that??
Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.

Husband and Wife jokes

Judge : Why did you beat your husband's head with a chair?

Wife : Because the table was a bit too heavy for me to lift.

Husband and Wife jokes

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died."

"Oh, how terrible!

I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Husband and Wife jokes

Shocking Introduction at a party...
One man to another: Meet my wife tanya ..
2nd one : ya, I know her.
1st one : how..?
2nd one : we were caught many a times sleeping together.
1st one : Wat??? Angrily.. What the hell u r talking..??
2nd one : during lectures in science & history classes. We were classmates.

Husband and Wife jokes

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, Husband: "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook.

s
Husband and Wife  Jokes

A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.
Was the necklace FAKE?
Nooooo! That was the deal!!

Husband and Wife  Jokes

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home for?"
Husband answers "Because he's thinking of getting married"

Husband and Wife  Jokes

A married man's prayer;
Dear God, u gave me childhood, u took it away
U gave me youth, u took it away.
U gave me a wife.......... Its been years now,
just reminding u......

Husband and Wife  Jokes

A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:
dear google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Wife : Shall I prepare Sambar or Rasam today .
Husband : First make it, we will name it later

Husband and Wife  Jokes

When you are in love,
Wonders happen.
But once you get married,
You wonder, what happened.

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Philosophy of marriage :
At the beginning,
every wife treats her husband as GOD..
Later, somehow don't know why..
alphabets get reversed.. DOG

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Secret formula for married couples...
"Love One Another"
And if it doesn't work, bring the last word in the middle.!!!!

Husband and Wife  Jokes

WHY DO COUPLES FIGHT!!

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I've not been in a long time."
So I took her to my parents house.
And then the fight started....

Husband and Wife  Jokes

My wife is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment.'
I replied, 'Your eyesight's perfect.'
And then the fight started....

Husband and Wife  Jokes

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a petrol pump
And then the fight started....

Husband and Wife  Jokes

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started...

Husband and Wife  Jokes

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started....

Short & Sharp:
Wife: I hate you.
Husband: What a co-incidence..

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Judge: Why did you shoot your Wife instead of shooting her lover?
Husband: Your Honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

Husband and Wife  Jokes

NOW, THIS IS TOO MUCH !!
A husband takes photograph of his wife and then declares himself to be a "WILD-LIFE" PHOTOGRAPHER !!

Husband and Wife  Jokes

How the Word..
"Wife" ..was invented?
They Took the First Two And Last Two Letters Of :- WildLife

Husband and Wife  Jokes

A smart wife's note for the husband :
I am going out with my friends for dinner. Your dinner is in the recipe book, on page 25 and ingredients are available at reliance Fresh.

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Newly married husband puts a notice in front of his residence:
FOR SALE
Computer and Encyclopedia both in good condition.
Reason for selling: No longer needed. Got married. Wife knows EVERYTHING ...with backup server called
"Mother In Law "

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Wife: "Darling Let's Enjoy our Saturday and Sunday"!
Husband: "Good Idea!, Let's meet on Monday....!"

Husband and Wife  Jokes

BOSS hangs a Poster in his Office
" I'M THE BOSS, DON'T FORGET AND REMAIN IN YOUR LIMITS "
He returns from lunch and finds a Note on his desk:
"Your Wife called, she was shouting & said she wants the Poster back at HOME..."

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Boss to his friend: Kya zamana aaya hai. My secretary resigned yesterday.
Friend: Why?
Boss: She caught me with my wife in cofee shop

Husband and Wife  Jokes

One Smart Guy Invented
"WhatsApp"
His Wife Added a feature in it called
'Last Seen At'
Thank god she didnt add
'last seen with'!!

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command.
Husband: Exactly darling! its a computer, not a Husband..!!

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Definition Of Happy Couple
HE Does What SHE Wants…
SHE Does What SHE Wants.

Husband and Wife  Jokes

What's Marriage?
Answer : MARRIAGE Is The 7th Sense Of Humans
That Destroys All The Six Senses
And Makes The Person NON Sense..!

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Punch Of D Day ....
Once A Man Asked God: "Why All Girls Are So Cute & Sweet, And All Wifes Are Always Angry
God Answered: Girls Are Made By Me ... And you make them Wife...!!!
Your Problem.. !!!

Husband and Wife  Jokes

All Men are Brave,
Horror Movies don't Scare them....
But 5 Missed Calls from Wife ..surely does...

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Chess is the only game in the world,
which reflects the status of the husband.
the poor king can take only one step at a time ...
While the mighty queen can do whatever she likes.

Husband and Wife  Jokes

I argued... She argued...
I shouted... She shouted
and then she cried
Result: she won by duckworth lewis method

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Law of equality
The time taken by a wife when she says I'll get ready in 5 min is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says 'I'll call u in 5 min!

Husband and Wife  Jokes

'Laughing At Your Own Mistakes, Can Lengthen Your Life."
-Shakespear
"Laughing At ur Wife's Mistakes,Can Shorten ur Life."
- Shakespeare's wife

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Husband & wife went to Jerusalem and the Wife died there.
Priest: "Sending her body home would cost you $10000.... but... burial here at this holy city would cost just $100".
Man: "I'll take the body home!!!"
Priest: "Why the costly option? You must really love your wife a lot"
Man: "Nothing like that Father.. Just that Jesus was buried here and came alive on the 3rd day...

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Aurat ke dil mein sirf uske lover ya pati ke liye jagah hoti hai...
But
Aadmi ka dil itna bada hota hai ki, us mein...

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Dost ki girlfriend.
Biwi ki friends.
Apni saali.
Bhai ki saali.
Saamne waali.
Baaju waali.
Oopar waali.
Neeche waali.
Behan ki nanad.
Kids ki madams.
Aur
Thodi Bahut biwi ke liye bhi jagah hoti hai....
Sach mein Aadmi ka dil bahut bada hota hai... Meri toh aankhe bhar aayi...

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Baith kar mehbuba ki Baho me Aisa JosH Aaya..
.
.
Wah!
Wah!
Wah!!
.
.
Baith kar mehbuba ki Baho me Aisa JosH Aaya...
Phirrrrr...?
Phir kya.! Biwi Ne Dekh Liya aur ICU Me Hosh
Aaya..

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Loving couple before Marriage: 'Janu.. tum nahi to main nahi, main nahi to tum nahi.'
The same couple after Marriage: 'Maa kasam'...Aaj tu nahi, ya main nahi...

Husband and Wife  Jokes

2 Wives chatting in office :
Wife 1: I had a fine evening, how was Urs???
Wife 2 : It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 mins & fell asleep in 2 mins. How was yours?
Wife 1 : Oh mine was amazing ! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour.👫 When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale !
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work..
Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate & fell asleep. What about you ?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that didn't have money left for a cab or auto.We walked home which took an hour & when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house !!!!!!

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Vishwanathan Anand (world chess champion) and his wife were hving dinner at a restaurant.
The dinner table had a checkered tablecloth on it.
It took Anand two hours to pass the salt to his wife.

Husband and Wife  Jokes

"If you want to be Happy with your husband,
Love him Less & Understand him more !

If you want to be Happy with your wife,
Love her More & NEVER try to Understand her !"

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Wife - Where R U ?
Husband - I'm At the "Bank"
Wife - Wow...that's good !! I need 20,000, for a new Cell Phone, 5,000 for a new dress, 6000 for new shoes, 4000 for a new purse, 8000 for my new cosmetics !!
Husband - Sorry , I mean,
I am at the Blood bank...
"KHOON PIYEGI KHOON ?"

Husband and Wife  Jokes

When your wife says...
''Correct me if I am wrong''
Just Smile & Agree.
Dont start correcting
It's a trap...

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Intelligent Husband Wife was busy in packing her clothes.
Husband - Where are you going ?
Wife - I'm moving to my mother.
Husband also starts packing his clothes.
Wife - Now where are you going ?
Husband - I'm also moving to my mother.
Wife - And what about the kids ?
Husband - Well I guess ... If you are moving to your mother and I'm moving to my mother ... They should move to their mother.
Clothes unpacked.

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Wife: Jaanu kaise ho?
Husband opened his Diary
Wife: Jaanu kya kar rahe ho?
Husband: Dekh raha hoon pichli baar tumhare Jaanu bolne par kitna kharch hua tha

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Husband came home drunk. To avoid wife's scolding, he took a laptop & started working.
Wife: did u drink ?
Husband : no
Wife:Idiot then y u r typing on suitcase

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Wife : I hate that beggar.
Husband : Why ?
Wife : Rascal, yesterday I gave him food today he gave me a book How to Cook !!!

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Always keep your spouse's picture as mobile screen saver.
Whenever you face a problem, see the picture & say:
"if I can handle this, I can handle anything!"… Superb Attitude for Life!!

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Million Dollar Truth:
If Saturday and Sunday Don't Excite You, then change your Friends.
If Monday doesn't motivate you, then change your profession.
If Monday is too exciting, and you are dying to get to work, then you should change your spouse!!

Husband and Wife  Jokes

A Philosopher HUSBAND said:- "Every WIFE is a 'Mistress' of her Husband
"Miss" for first year & "Stress" for rest of the life…"!!!!

Husband and Wife  Jokes

If wife wants husband's attention, she just has to look sad & uncomfortable.
If husband wants wife's attention, he just has to look comfortable & happy.

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Put your husband in a room & lock it.
Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & you will be happy to see your dog waiting for you.. but you'll be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never slept before!!!

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Put your wife in a room & lock it.
Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & see who is Happy to see you, and who will BITE you !

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Wives are magicians........
They can change anything into an argument.

Husband and Wife  Jokes

It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most and when a man does that.
The slide show begins.

Husband and Wife  Jokes

Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt: All girls are devils,
but my wife is the queen of them.

Funny Doctor Jokes One Liners

Wife : "why are u home so early?"
Hubby : "My boss said go to hell!"

Funny Doctor Jokes One Liners

A single spelling mistake, that caused a divorce.
A man went to Goa & sent an SMS to his wife
"hey baby having the most wonderfil time of my life, Wish you were her (here)"

Funny Doctor Jokes One Liners

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Funny Doctor Jokes One Liners

Husband : (calls up Hotel Manager from room)
Please come fast, I am having an argument with my wife & she says she will jump from your hotel window.
Manager : Sir, I am sorry, but this is your personal Issue.
Husband : abbe saale ! The window is not opening. This is a maintenance issue ..

Funny Doctor Jokes One Liners

Wife checks husbands mobile and find all girls numbers saved in the following order

New bird
Neighbour bird
Old bird
Upstair bird
Hospital bird
Insurance bird
College bird
Super market bird

Finally she checks her name. and it was saved as
"Angry bird"

Funny Doctor Jokes One Liners

Define Marriage:
It's a way through which two people join together to solve the problems they never had before.

Funny Doctor Jokes One Liners

Difference between talent and god's gift:

A man can give lecture for 2 hrs on any subject.
-This is talent.
A woman can give lecture for 2 hrs without any subject.
-This is god's gift.

Funny One Liner Jokes

Tufaani baarish Aadhi raat
Ek aadmi pizza hut se pizza lene gaya
Pizza wala:- aap married ho??
Aadmi:- aise tufaan me kaunsi maa apne bete ko pizza lene bhejegi..

Funny One Liner Jokes

Why Hindu Law doesn't permit second marriage?
Answer:- Indian Constitution article 20(2) says: "No human can be punished twice for the same offence..

Funny One Liner Jokes

Wife: Tum Saari Duniya Mein Bhi Dhoondo To Bhi Mujh Jaisi Doosri Nahi Milegi......
Husband: Tum Kya Samajhti Ho? Main Doosri Bhi Tum Jaisi Hi Dhoondoon ga..! Hadd Ho Gayi..

Funny Husband Wife Jokes

WIFE: Suno ji, agar tumhare baal isi raftaar se jhadte rahe toh main tumhein talaaq de doongi!!
Pati: Ya Allah, aur main paagal inko bachaane ki koshish kar raha tha.....

Funny Husband Wife Jokes

Wife: Phone pe itni dheemi awaaz mein kis se baat kar rahe ho?
Husband: Behen hai..!
Wife: To fir itni dheemi aawaz mein kis liye?
Husband: Teri hai is liye..

Funny Husband Wife Jokes

Wife: Meri sharafat dekho..
Maine tumhe dekhe bagair shaadi karli...

Husband: Aur meri sharafat dekho..
Maine dekh kar bhi inkaar nahi kiya..

Funny Husband Wife Jokes

Wife: Meri sharafat dekho..
Maine tumhe dekhe bagair shaadi karli...

Husband: Aur meri sharafat dekho..
Maine dekh kar bhi inkaar nahi kiya..

Funny Husband Wife Jokes

Marriage Fact

A good wife always forgies her husband when she is wrong.

Funny Husband Wife Jokes

Marriage Fact

They say that when a mand holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love;
after marriage it is self defense.

Funny Husband Wife Jokes

Husband: Dear Google,
please stop behaving like my wife
will you please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing and suggesting.

Funny Husband Wife Jokes

Marriage Definition

Marriage is when a man and woman become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one

Funny Husband Wife Jokes

Marriage fact

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband

Funny Husband Wife Jokes

Marriage fact

Shortest description of a married man
      "Ek Tha Tiger"

Funny Husband Wife Jokes

Marriage fact

It not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

Funny Husband Wife Jokes

Stages fo marriage

Mad for each other...
Made for each other...
Mad at each other....
Mad b'coz of each other.

Funny Husband Wife Jokes

Husband : Mere relatives ghar aa rahe hain, kuch bana lo...
Wife ne fatafat MUH bana liya

Funny Husband Wife Jokes

A couple had a fight one night.
Going to bed, Husband says; "Goodnite mother of 3 kids.."
Angry wife replied, "Good night Father of none of them."

Funny Husband Wife Jokes

What is the favourite fruit of a wife?
.....NaashPati....

Funny Husband Wife Jokes

Letter from Father to Son
Dear Son,
If you think your Dad, Mom, Teacher, Boss etc... are strict and unnecessarily harassing you...
Wait for your wife...

Funny Husband Wife Jokes

Friend: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."!

Funny Husband Wife Jokes
How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
They're the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Wife: I found a paper in your pocket
with the name Jenny on it.
Husband: I took part in a race last week and Jenny was the name of my horse.
Wife: Sorry..!
Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again
Husband: What now..?
Wife: Your horse is on the Phone.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life…!!
Why? Very simple.
A woman does not have a wife..!!!
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means "Without Information, Fighting Everytime!"
WIFE replied: No darling, it means "With Idiot For Ever!"
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
What is a wedding tragedy?
To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
Buy her a diamond ring.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to getting their laundry done free.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes

In the middle of a dispute the husband said: 'Let's not quarrel, my dear, let's discuss the thing sensibly.'
'No,' said the angry wife, 'every time we discuss something sensibly, I lose!'

Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Some husbands can really get creative when they describe their wifes. Sanjna from Chennai has sent us these husband wife jokes. These are claimed to be entries to a Washington post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face, when I am dreaming.
That's why I always, wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything that you're not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

Funny Husband Wife Jokes
She: Don't you think a little common sense would prevent many divorces?
He: Why, I'm sure that it would keep people from getting married in the first place!
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Have you heard of the man who never worried about his marriage, until he moved from Delhi to Bombay and discovered that he still had the same milkman?
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
A pesimist is a married optimist.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes

A husband is one who lays down the law for his wife and then accepts all her amendments.

Funny Husband Wife Jokes
In married life, office plays a very imporant role. It's the place where you relax from your strenuos home life!
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Two ladies were discussing what they should wear to the club dance.
"We're supposed to wear something to match our husband's hair. So I'm going to wear black," said Mrs. Johnson.
"Goodness", gasped her companion. "I don't think I'll go. My husband is bald."
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Confirmed Bachelors know more about women than married men; that's why they are bachelors.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
"I love your daughter very dearly, sir," said the young man. "I would suffer deeply if I ever caused her a moment's unhapppiness."
"You certainly would," replied the father. "That girl is her mother all over - and I should know!"
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
After a few months of marriage Aparna's husband reported her Missing. Police found her, but she refused to come back.
"We met while playing mixed doubles tennis," she said.
"When we married we planned to have 2 boys and 2 girls, to form our own mixed doubles. Now my husband is bored with tennis and mad about football. There are 11 boys in a soccer team and I'm worried."
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Two friends, who hadn't seen each other in several years, met on the street.
"Who are you working for now?" asked the first.
"Same people," answered the other. "My wife and four children."
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
A young accountant stayed late at the office day after day. Finally, the boss called him in and asked for an explanation.
"Well, you see sir," he stammered, "my wife works, too -- and if I get home before she does, I have to cook the dinner."
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
A friend asked a lady: "I suppose you carry a momento of some sort in that locket of yours?"
"Yes, a strand of my husband's hair."
"But your husband's still alive!"
"Yes, but his hair's gone."
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
First Soldier: "What made U go into the army?"
Second Soldier: "I had no wife and I loved war. What about you?"
First Soldier: "Well, I had a wife and loved peace."
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love;
after marriage it is self-defense.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women..and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
It takes thousand workers to build a castle,
Million soldiers to protect a country
BUT Just ONE woman to make a Happy HOME!
Let's Thank ...... the KAAMWALI!
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE.
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND!
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Wife: Honey ...... What are You Looking for ?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ...??
Husband: I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
If your wife wants to learn to drive,
don't stand in her way.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes






Other Jokes ...

Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Some people kiss with both eyes closed. Too bad they marry the same way.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
A Spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. -Henny Youngman
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -Milton Berle
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
I bought my wife a new car.
She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied,. In the lake."
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -Henny Youngman
Funny Husband Wife Jokes

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied,
"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Funny Husband Wife Jokes
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Funny Husband Wife Jokes
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine." 
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life Thinking they had no faults at all.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,
"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes

Husband and wife jokes in Hindi

Bibi - Maine GADHO par Research Ki Hai, Woh apni GADHI ke siwa kisi aur GADHI ko Dekhta Tak Nahi.
Pati - Isiliye To Usse GADHA Kehte Hain!
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
Ek aadmi bar mein baithkar kaagaz par kuchh guna-bhaag kar rahaa thaa aur paaglon kee tarah hans raha thaa. . .
Maine poochha - "bhaai tum itne khush kyon ho ?" .
Us aadmi ne kahaa - "aajkal meri patni dieting par hai aur pichhle 4 dino mein usne 5 kg wajan ghataa liya hai !" .
Maine poochha - "toh isme hansne wali kya baat hai ?" .
Usne kahaa – "Bhaai sahab, abhi-abhi maine calculate kiya ki agle 4 maheeno mein … wah poori tarah se gaayab ho jaayegi !!!"
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
A man got a call from unknown number..
Girl:"Hi, r u single.??
Man:"Yes, but who r u.?
Ans:"Your wife..Aaj ghar aana tab bataungi.

Another call from unknown number..
Girl:"R u married.. ??
Man:"Yes, but who R u.?
Girl:"Your girlfriend, U cheat..
Man:"Sorry baby, I thought it was my wife..
Ans:"Wife hi hoon kutte, aaj tu bas ghar aaja.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes